Me Me Me

My standards for behavior in a theater are high. Stratrospherically high. Just ask my adorable children, who could sit in a Broadway theater without moving a muscle for more than two hours by age five. That’s the basic rule: Sit still. Sounds so easy, doesn’t it? Not according to a huge chunk of people who go to shows and concerts. I had time to think about this last night when I accompanied my darling husband to hear Mahler’s Resurrection Symphony at the Philharmonic. People tend to behave better at classical music concerts — until they fall asleep, that is, and begin to snore, as the lady next to me did. Anyway, I came up with five simple commandments that should be carved into a marble pillar and posted outside every theatrical venue:

THOU SHALT KEEP THY HANDS STILL. Don’t conduct the symphony, as the man next to the snoring woman did last night. Don’t twirl your hair. Don’t rub your face. Don’t jingle your bracelets. Don’t flip through the program. And for heavens sake, don’t crack your knuckles.

THOU SHALT NOT TOUCH PLASTIC. Oh lord, this is a big one with the tourists, who insist on holding (and therefore rustling) their Macy’s bags through a show. Or their giant bag of M&Ms. Or their Snickers wrapper. Or the random contents of a Duane-Reade bag. I have become proactive about plastic — I don’t hesitate to tell someone sitting near me, “You’re going to have to put that bag under your seat when the show starts.” And they obey!

THOU SHALT REMAIN IN THY PERSONAL SPACE. Yeah, it’s crowded. No leg room. But don’t wander, with hands or legs or belongings, into the two feet of space that is allotted to ME. Hog the armrest you share with your companion, and let me have mine. And if you’re in front of me, take your hat off.

THOU SHALT KEEP THY MOUTH SHUT DURING THE SHOW. It’s simple: You are NOT in your living room! Don’t murmur the names of the actors as they come onstage, like Bert Parks at Miss America. Don’t share your opinion of Katie Holmes’ costume while she’s uttering her first line. Don’t ask your companion, “What did he say?” (Get the hearing aid thingie.) HUSH.

THOU SHALT NOT LEAVE DURING THE CURTAIN CALL. I don’t care if you’re rushing to the catch the 10:48 to Mamaroneck. STAY until the curtain call is done. Don’t turn your back on the actors as you wander up the aisle. They did the show for you, now stay and clap until the curtain falls for the last time.